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There is a memory that is etched in my brain. I was in school and had fared miserably in my bete noire Physics. I have always been a dreamer so while I loved English and History, the Sciences remained a mystery to me. My sisters are incredibly bright and always topped in school and my mom could have easily made that a talking point. Instead, she simply told me, “It is ok, everyone cannot come first, right? Someone has to come in the middle and someone at the end… you will do better next time”
My mom had not read books or attended workshops on parenting like so many new-age moms, yet she instinctively knew what to say to soothe the crushed spirit of a young girl. She knew I was upset and instead of berating me, she showed wisdom and sensitivity. In my mind that was mindful parenting, though she wouldn’t have known its name.
Mindful Parenting…
These days, I am trying to consciously do mindful parenting with Dhruv.
Many a time we assume things, make snap judgments, and jump to conclusions. When you see a child who is non-verbal, you assume he does not “understand”. Similarly, when you see a child who looks “lost” you assume he is not “listening”. There were times I would be on the phone and since Dhruv used to be so quiet, I would actually forget he was there. The downside is I would end up discussing him and his challenges while he was in the room…listening!
My perception of Autism started changing once I read posts by Autistic people. Of course, Dhruv himself made me realize this crucial aspect when he started to speak and share details about places and events from memory. I realized a child with Autism may not speak, communicate, or could even look “lost” yet, they could be “listening” and “absorbing”. It is a different issue Dhruv still struggles to communicate and the other day when I asked what makes him sad, he said, “Sometimes it is difficult to share ☹” That for me was another huge insight into his mind.
A young adult with Autism shared in his blog how miserable he felt when he was talked about and ignored in spite of being in the same room, it was like he was invisible! I was horrified to realize I was making the same mistake with Dhruv and should not discuss him if he was in the room; unless I was including him in the conversation.
While Dhruv struggles with comprehension and may not get all that is said, he is able to gauge the tone of the conversation from my facial expressions, which by now, he has learned to read. I realized one should always presume competence in him since I don’t know what all he actually understands.
I then realized this is a common mistake made by a lot of ‘special’ parents. Ever since I started writing about Autism a few years back, I have had many parents call me for counseling. No, I am not a professional but as a parent bringing up a child with Autism, I have learned a lot about this puzzling disorder and now I understand it to some extent. So, I share strategies that worked for us, in the hope our experiences may help other families.
Many a time during the call, I would hear the child in the background and the mom would be telling me of all the issues challenging her child. Once I realized my mistake, I started advising parents not to talk about the child in his/her presence. Apart from that, I too started taking such calls in private when I knew I would be discussing Autism and probably Dhruv too.
We are all very mindful when we talk to our family and friends, it is important we extend the same courtesy to individuals with Autism and treat them with dignity and respect irrespective of whether they are verbal or nonverbal. They are much more intuitive than you or I and can guess your attitude towards them which in turn affects their self-esteem and progress.
If you think of it, it is pretty simple, treat someone with Autism the way you would like to be treated, and yes always presume competence on their part.
The original link for the blog is https://sujapisharody.home.blog/2020/06/01/mindful-parenting-and-autism/
Read a blog on How to Parent a Kid with Difficult Behavior!
