A Dad’s Role in Raising a Special Child!

Today morning a thought flashed in mind that how one should perceive a dad’s role in raising a child with special needs. I would think it is very much similar to any other father but with some added nuances and subtlety.

Before my marriage, I was in the USA and my boss was an American. He used to tease me about the Indian arranged marriage system and I used to respond to him that still, the Indian marriage system has better results compared to western marriages where divorce rates are worse than flipping a coin. Albeit, he had suggested I read a book – Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. From that early read, I got a few pointers. But the most important one that stuck to me was women are like waves.

From raising a special child’s point of view, there are quite a few instances when a mother goes through emotional upheaval. Sometimes, they tend to sink into a depression when they feel it is time for emotional cleansing and resolution. Such situations prop up all of sudden without much notice. Houston’s George Brown Convention center when he was hardly 2 years old. My wife, Sheetal tried doing every bit to dress him meticulously along with props butter-pot, flute, etc. Yet he did nothing on stage and in fact, he kept on crying on the stage. Sheetal’s friend’s child won first prize who was actually a week younger than Shlok. As a father, I felt disappointed though I was still rationalizing the result as being logical and correct. But somehow Sheetal was crying at least for an hour on our way back home. I realized it was NOT about the prize, but the feeling of raising a special child was slowly sinking in for the mother.

At such times they may become utterly negative in their outlook, dwelling on not only the special child but every little problem which troubles them. They suspend their normal giving natures, demanding the right to express their feelings and not to be left on their own. At this point, a father has to put on a listening hat for a short while (believe me it’s the most difficult thing for men!). If supported and allowed enough time to express and release their negative feelings, they will begin to feel happier again and return to their usual loving selves. So in a nutshell, it is a father’s responsibility to handle such delicate moments and maintain emotional balance within the family.

Another area that requires quite an attention is if the mother is caring for a special child, the father should pay a little more attention to normal kids in the family. Ideally, these roles need to be switched throughout the day & week so as to maintain a decent focus on the needs of normal kids as well. There need to be some special activities that both parents need to do for the normal kid as eventually, that will help in creating good bonding within the family over a long period of time.

Another influence I had early on was 7 Habits of Highly Successful People authored by Dr. Stephen Covey, an all-time best-seller well accepted in the western world. Dr. Covey has pointed out apt examples and different mindsets of a manager vs. a leader. In a larger context, we can see “special children” are like “products” to be launched in “markets” (society!) and mothers become managers of implementing day-to-day processes at least in the early phase of life.  In that sense, the father’s role comes down to supporting the mother in maintaining a daily routine and providing some structure for handling the situations efficiently. For example, as an Engineer, whenever we are faced with Shlok’s stubborn and difficult behavior, I try to address it by making simple checklists for monitoring his behavior and channelizing his energy towards a meaningful task or activity that he would enjoy.

More importantly, dads should take initiative in establishing a long-ranging goal, and visions for the child in the respective developmental phases of the child and follow through with providing the necessary structure along the way to achieve these goals in the family.  For instance, we have itched out a goal for Shlok a few months ago that by 18-20 yrs, he should be working independently at least for 4-5 hours daily in any field of his choice or whatever opportunities the market offers for such individuals. Another long-term goal is to create a Trust or similar mechanism for him over the next 12-15 years. So all our thoughts, planning, and actions in daily life need to be aligned to the mid and long-term goals.

It is indeed heartening to see super dads like Mr. Aditya Tiwari creating a huge difference in spreading awareness about special children in India. It really requires a big heart to adopt a special child while being single and even to go to the extent of leaving a job for caring for that child! Yet traditionally, the father’s role in Indian society has been very limited. With more nuclear families, it is very prudent that dads take a larger role in kids’ development more so for special children!  “One solution fits all” could never be the situation. So every family has to customize the role of each parent whether it is 60/40, or 70/30, but it surely cannot be 90/10….

We as parents are custodians of our children’s future and we need to continue doing a tad better than yesterday.

Check out another blog on The Curious Case Of The Male Mommy